I think I just lost the map

Nice place for a revelation...*

I’m giving up even apologising for my lousy blogging record. After all, you’ve probably completely given up on me and struck me off your blogroll by now, right? I know. I understand completely. My record is pathetic.

But here’s the thing. Somewhere along the way this year, I think I lost the map.

But at least I wasn't using this one! **

A bad metaphor? Maybe. But the realisation came halfway up a chairlift in the Remarkables in Queenstown, NZ. As my half frozen leg swung my snowboard, I glowered at a very real trail map. It in no way resembled the trails I’d spent half a day navigating. Nothing was even vaguely where the map claimed it was. Nothing. It hadn’t been a bad day, in fact there had been a number of pleasant discoveries along the way. But quite simply, the map was WRONG.

It took me half a day to realise that I’d been snowboarding following a map from an entirely different mountain. Which was sort of funny, as I’d always admired the Situationists for doing just that. They’d explore, say, Paris, but using a map for, say, Berlin and just see what happened. It always struck me as a cool notion.

Anyway, as I sat halfway up the chairlift in the cold I realised that this year, I might have been navigating my life, but using someone else’s map. Or… had I lost the map completely?

Absolutely everything I have aimed for this year has turned into something else. I feel like Alice Through The Looking Glass. The faster I run, the less ground I cover. Even the things I used to take for granted, like my apartment, now don’t seem dependable. Or even mine.

Where am I? My Masters degree is on hold, because the subject I was enrolled in ceased to exist, and became some other subject that I had no interest in or inclination to explore. I’m in a full-time job which I took, at least partially, so I could purchase and live in the house that I wanted. But I can’t live in the house, because I can’t sell my apartment. Because the global economy may, or may not, be ripping apart. And the Sydney property bubble may, or may not, have burst. I can’t do any sculpture work, because I have no place to do it in. I’m living in an apartment that doesn’t feel like mine anymore, because twice a week my entire little world is opened up to the world at large, who come and criticise it. I’m living in a display case. Like Barbie.

And then the other day, a little after my chairlift revelation, I hit my head, hard, on the ice on a slope in a foreign land, and now I feel somehow stupider and more on edge than ever before. This will pass, I’m sure. And I’ll be fine. I’m sure of that.

Was it really necessary to tape me to the bed, I wonder?

But basically, I’m now living my life like a Situationist. Where will I be in two weeks? Moving house? Staying put? Neither? Both?

The one thing I can depend on is uncertainty, and that whatever happens, I’m sure it’ll be interesting.

And thank goodness this strange world of ours contains the colour yellow!

* Honesty prevails. The photo of the stunning view was actually taken at Treble Cone, NZ…

** Once again, an unrelated photo (sorry!). This rather genius napkin map was drawn during a heated argument some time ago as to the location of Mont Blanc. Yep. Lame.

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~ by Niccola on September 5, 2011.

2 Responses to “I think I just lost the map”

  1. Lovely Nic
    If there is one thing the last 7 years have taught me, it’s to surrender and trust the universe. It might not feel like it at the time, but you are exactly where you are meant to be, and you will come out the other end – I promise. In the meantime you have crochet and cycling and cakes and cackling with crafty chics. Keep your chin up – and take heart from the fact they used magic tape to stick you to the table. What else would you use for a designer?
    hugs
    Frannie x

  2. Great Post.

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